Friday, 28 October 2016

Birthday Wish List


A week tomorrow I turn 31, an age that doesn't exactly fill me with excitement, but one I hope in whatever way will be a good one. So coveting Friday moment, it's a wish list based around birthday's, my birthday wish list.

The issue with have with that is that I hate asking for things outright especially if they are pricey, but at the same time if they are not excessively pricey as you age you tend to get them for yourself. . . aw the dilemmas of ageing, but if I was asking, or thinking about things I would really love to receive, experience or get a week from tomorrow this would be some of them.

So standards with me that will always go down well;

* ASOS/Topshop/Etsy/Not On The High Street/Similar vouchers

* Flowers, Succulents & Cacti

* Something made with love or seen because somehow it reminded someone of me

* Niece time/cuddles

* A good day with fantastic company, ample cuddles, laughter & just love filled

And if I was wish listing? I guess the below . . .

These perfumes;

Valentino Valentina, Viktor & Rolf Flowerbomb, Chloé Femme

These books;

The Secret Lives of Colour, Event, The Little Book of Hygge

How To Hygge, Crystal Healing & The Human Energy Field, Rumi Selected Poems, Fahrenheit 451

These recipe books;

Eat Beautiful, Gather, The Rawsome Vegan Cookbook

Whole Bowls, Simple, Salad Samurai, Green Kitchen Smoothies

These kitchen bits;

Raclette Set, Slate mat set with coasters, Whole fruit/veg juicer.

These boardgames;

Backgammon, Articulate, Mancala

But mostly?

Good company, people who 'get me' & let me be me, the promise of a year of who knows what up ahead, cuddles, a kiss or two will always go down well & just simple pleasures that create memories.

Wednesday, 26 October 2016

Hump Day; Loves, Loathes & Lust.

Another week has zoomed past at rather a rapid rate of knots, where on earth is 2016 darting off to in such a hurry? That being said, I'd be more than happy to see aspects of this year's behind as it leaves, that aside it means it's time for another round up/off of the last week, the highs, lows, in-betweens, the smiles, the tears & the longings.


* Edamame, Iceberg Lettuce, Garlic, Broccoli & Jalapeños; it would seem my seemingly compulsive & long standing obsessions with green vegetables remains & garlic will always be a strong favourite, it also helps when attempting to aid the repelling & deterring of colds! 

* Fantastic books; I am someone who if I can bury myself in another persons incredible words I will do so, be it fact or fiction, I will happily absorb, swallow & indulge in fantastic books, in various moments, all the time, at any time, especially if they make you think, make you consider things differently or take you away for a moment, there is something to be said for a fantastic book. 

* Fresh sheets; who doesn't love fresh sheets? I love the smells, the crispness, the hint of cold, the fact that until it has been slept on or in bedding seems far more 'puffy', buoyant and inviting. Add to this that I always make my bed in the morning & do love throws, pillows & cushions & the indulgence of that & a short, white, waffle, bath robe after a candle bubble bath, incense & music will always be a fantastic booster & feel like a wonderous, seemingly indulgent, personal luxury.  

* Succulents & Cacti; it is in part something that fits so fantastically with the idea of hygge, but I love nature, I love plants, I love having that bit of outside inside & so will always adore adding to a collection, at the moment my house possesses 10 different succulents & cacti, but I have no doubts that I will continue adding to that collection; there is still space in my living room, kitchen/breakfast room, guest bathroom & definitely in my room. I also have yet to kill one, that will always make them a winner in my books, this is the girl who managed to kill a spider-plant (apparently you can't kill them - I beg to differ) & they fit with every season of the year & some can have amazing uses; Aloe Vera for instance. 

* Getting sweaty; this possibly sounds weird, but basically a bit of a stretch or work out session will I think always make people feel fantastic, pretty good boost to endorphins, immune system and it's nice to be reminded of the muscles you have that lie dormant during office hours. It's that moment where you peel off your slightly sticky work out wear as the bathroom fills with steam & you know you are hot, sweaty & a little accomplished.


* That ghastly few days before pay day; when you might fancy samphire, but it's more expensive than cabbage, or you are having to say no to spontaneous drinks, or you have to remember to pick up your thermos before work because otherwise shit you are one caffeine dose down & might well be less than nice to those closest to you in proximity. It's also hard when you need stamps for snail mail or you find the perfect 'something' to send in a care package, or to add to a christmas gift, but you can't get it just yet & that's always when clothing you love gets reduced & is still in your size! Come pay day, reduced it might be, your size will have run away however. 

* Dead ensuite light; bit of a pain in the arse, still yet to be mended by an electrician, one of these days it might well go wrong & my make shift bedside lamp as ensuite light may not go as well as it has been. So far no electrocution moments, be thankful for that! 

* Bad news & feeling useless; I love intensely those who mean things to me, so it's hard when bad news comes, especially when it's of the 'terminal' variety & there is nothing you can do to mend it, rectify it or make it better for them. That's so incredibly hard. Yes I can continue to love them, send snail mail, give time, tea, cuddles, but sometimes when those you are love are faced with terminal, (when you have the reality of losing then) or other incredibly hard things it's just so far out of your control that you are not sure your time is enough - alas it is all we can give at times. 

* When people surprise you in the worst ways; there are times when people can surprise you by the levels of selfishness, inconsiderate abilities & just cruelness or nastiness, it's very easy to see the world & those in it with rose tinted glasses, sometimes we are forced to face them with the glasses removed, I have had that a few times this week & in one example it was just torturous, but has given me some motivation, oomf & perspective in certain areas that quite possibly needed it. 

* Feeling heinously fat, wobbly & just not all that good in yourself; nobody likes days that are 'fat days', but I have been having a large number of them, that makes getting dressed far more tricky, that makes you want an entire new wardrobe, or to be able to wear your pjs to the office. Sometimes our inner critics are more cruel then anything else we will experience. 

So what would be on your lists for the past week?

Monday, 24 October 2016

It's not all bad.

A large percentage of my work day consists of being online, with that comes the unfortunate reality that you will be inundated with news updates & rarely are they good breaking stories, but alas the breaking news tends to be of the awful variety, the good news it just not 'newsworthy' or particularly gripping I guess, one reason I like 'The Week', they always have a section called 'It's not all bad' that is 3 tiny stories of the positive variety.

But I like to find to silver linings, something I have done for possibly all of my life, especially within my life when things have felt particularly tough, so when given the opportunity to do that in a news capacity you can guarantee I'll savour every moment & come back to it often. This might be why on some levels I love the gentle nudgings & whimsy that I think come with The Simple Things magazine & Oh Comely magazine; random things put together from life, culture, adverts, fashion, all sorts & more. Although please don't get me wrong I will happily spend hours pouring over fashion magazines.

So let me introduce you to the world that is Positive News.

I like the positive traits, the fact that most of the stories are not widely written about & that mostly the positive is thought provoking & aspects of the not so good - for instance an article written about miscarriage; the positive spin? It's the unheard voice of the male experience & grief of miscarriage. Or what about the story of an all female village? The bad? They are survivors of domestic abuse, the good? They survived, are surviving and have made a safe community of women only, and it has a plethora of categories; Society, Economics, Lifestyle, Science, Environment & Perspective, chances are no matter what your particular key news interest is, you will be able to find something that interests you & gives you a bit of 'good news' for your day, good & probably less widely published. There's (in my mind at least) definitely something to be said for that.

Let's start our week with the promise of a coffee break internet corner of the not so negative.

Friday, 21 October 2016

Lingerie Longings

It's a Friday, so it's time for a bit of lusting before frivolity; probably involving a glass of something (or 2) & a good dose of boardgames thrown in to the mix with my moon child of a friend & housemate, we shall see, but in the mean time let's lust!

For most people who know me one of my favourite guilty pleasures is that of matching undies, I love lingerie, whether they get shared & seen by another or not, it's like I start the day with something just for me & I love it. So I thought I'd allow today to purely be a bit of a lingerie longings session . . . chances are come pay day I will be having a bit of a spending moment on some of these items.

So let's jump off to ASOS first (always a place for my spending).

Glamorous Lace & Stripe Band Set, Free People Hold The Line Set, Ann Summers Sadie Set & Ann Summers Willa Set in black (also comes in other colours, yes also lusting after them).

Bluebella Esme Set, Ultimo Taylor Lace Set, ASOS Sky Satin & Lace Set, Ann Summers Celia Set & Pimkie Lace Set.

ASOS Serina Eyelash Set (in black, the red is also stunning), ASOS Delta Embroidered Set (in blue, also a beautiful girlie blush one), ASOS Emma Lace Set & Lepel London Sophia Set. 

Okay next stop, Topshop, also do cute sets & I'm all about the sets (in less going bra free - which thanks to being small chested is a luxury I can totally indulge in & then it's all about cute knickers)

Geo Lace Balcony Bra & Thong, Pretty Lace Crop Bralet & Thong & Non-padded Peony Bra & Knickers.

Doreanna TriangleBra & Brazilian Knickers - Mustard & Pink Versions, Floral Lace Triangle Bra & Mini Knickers & Strappy Lace Underwire Bra & Knickers.

Geomesh Triangle Bra & Thong, Lace Triangle Bra & Brazilian Knickers & Triangle Bra & Thong. 

I might end it here otherwise I will never stop, but there is some of the lingerie I am currently lusting after, what are you lusting after? Do you indulge in pretty undies just for you, irrespective of if someone else gets to see them? 

Wednesday, 19 October 2016

Hump Day; Loves & Loathes.

This week is going by at quite a rate of knots, perhaps a good thing, who knows, but I thought I'd do an old favourite of mine, a hump day round off of loves, loathes & lusts of the last week.

Loves . . .

* Interesting books, walking whilst reading, taking time off to stick my head deep into another persons words not the internal whirrings of my own head & the exciting world of potential book clubs, combined with having 'beauty & the beast library scene' moments upon finding a truly beautiful, massive Waterstones in another city. Books at the moment are proving a fantastic indulgence, escape & so much more.

* Pen & pad moments, lots of emptying my head, random doodles & similar; I think it's good for you to have moments to just empty yourself in whatever way, pictures, doodles, words, poetry, whatever & it's something I do a lot in various places, with various pens and in various forms. It's for nobody else really but me, I collect quotes etc.

* Pointless train hopping, escape days; no matter how much I love my city & my friends & family sometimes you need an actual escape, so I booked two days off from work, today & tomorrow & I have spent today train hopping; 7 trains and 2 coaches later & I'm home doing this but it's been so lovely exploring other cities, people watching without knowing or having chance of knowing the people & indulging in other cathedrals & just getting away & if it manages to include beautiful places, music, stunning book shops & a good dose of coffee it makes me even happier & is somewhat soul refreshing.

* Coffee; this is somewhat running a large percentage of my energy levels at the moment but I also have favourite places to get it from, rituals, habits & it is a bit of an indulgence of mine & that first cup of coffee in the morning, or more that first sip of the first cup tends to lead to a somewhat blissful inhalation & just like 'lets go, we can do today' vibe within me.

* Oil pulling; weirdly satisfying, leads to a very clean feeling mouth (especially after mouthwash & teeth cleaning) & it's part of my routine for winding down for the evening, 15-20 mins of oil swilling whilst I get undressed, take my days face off & moisturise. The benefits are also many & varied so I'd highly recommend it.

* Flu busters, hot shots, Charcoal & lemon shots,  similar bugs at bay busters; I have seemingly been surrounded by an insane amount of germs over the last 4 weeks in one form or another; either work colleagues are walking around looking like cartoon drawings of colds (bless them), or there are ear infections, or a housemate with a cold that lead to conjunctivitis that moved on to tonsillitis & I am not thrilled, but also I'm okay with my once a year illness, so I have been tossing down flu busters & hot shots from Rawberry (drinking shots of fire but they work), sucking manuka honey & lemon lozenges & swallowing echinacea & guzzling grapefruits & satsumas like my life depends on it & so far . . . so far all good.

* Auntie Lulu time; I had a good dosage of this over the weekend with my niece being at my mothers & it being my lovely sister - in - laws birthday & of course we had cuddles, silly moments, beauty & the beast indulgences & my pursuit in teaching her the skill of doing eskimo kisses & turkey noises is working. Sometimes we can't always be sensible & babies/toddlers/children are one of the best excuses not to be.

* Favourite magazine indulgences; 2 of my favourite magazines are Oh Comely & The Simple Things, but are just eclectic, beautiful magazines & outside of my love for fashion, I do adore these 2 so when I get a chance to toss myself into them I do, especially if whilst train hopping & even better when one includes both an article on Hygge but also on doodling with ink spots.

Loathes . . .

* Cancelled plans; I am very aware that life happens & sometimes it leads to plans changing, but when it seems to occur a lot in one week it's a little irritating, more so when it happens a mere few moments before you were meant to see someone or similar. Oh well, deep breaths & all that.

* That spot that is lingering . . . let's be honest spots are never fun, least of all when you are well & truly out of the teenage years, but when you get one that threatens to appear but doesn't, not really, so it can't be dealt with & it just lingers on you - not ideal, least of all when in the middle of your chin!

* Wisdom teeth of doom; long story but the removal surgery that was meant to occur didn't so once more I am back to referral stage & they are not happy teeth, all 4 of them are currently getting more angry, ganging up on me in general & causing varying levels of pain throughout the day. Ultimately the sooner they get ripped out of my poor gums the better. Overcrowded mouths are not fun, it also means the years of braces I had were fruitless as stubborn, barging wisdom teeth have moved all of the straightness away.

* No light in my ensuite bathroom; this is a bit of an irritation it has to be said, candlelight baths with music is one lovely indulgence when a choice & not a necessity & surprisingly candles & showers just don't make friends all that well with each other. So far the world of the electrician is proving to be an incredibly elusive one. Clocks go back next week so, yeah I really will be living in darkness, so sooner rather than later would be just fabby thanks.

If you were to list your loves & loathes for the last week (hump day to hump day) what would be on your list?

Friday, 14 October 2016

Taking stock . . .

A terrible habit of mine - reading whilst walking - but I am fantastically practised at. 

So back in the day, when I came here, gosh what a gap it has been (for a myriad of reasons), Fridays were for 'Wish Lists' & I have no doubt that that will mostly resume being the case, but for now, after such a hiatus I wanted to instead have a look at 'taking stock of life', why we do it and how we do it. If that is we do ever do it.

For whatever reasons & I have no doubt there are far more then I will end up listing, I have been doing a fair amount of soul searching & taking a bit of a stock check over life, some aspects have been thrust upon me by pure realisations that certain traits of others or actions towards me, or similar, are just not okay with the core of me. On other levels it's been finding myself in O/P treatment once more & having to adjust to that & work out how I intend to make it worthwhile & with longer affects then previously, or even how I came to find myself in the place where I needed that (& the myriad of linked appointments) once more. But for whatever the key reasons it's been tossing around in my mind a lot, that I need adjustments & to work out what's actually important. Am I okay still being a commodity to others as & when they need me? Am I okay being silent when perhaps I should be anything but? What is actually important?

It's been reality cathartic (ish) giving this thought when I know I have time, inclination & safety to do so. Working out where to start was less easy, but I love lists so they have featured a fair amount and sometimes there wasn't a specific starting point, thoughts bombed in & I scribbled them on a number of scraps of paper. Sometimes it's the best way - a starting block. This may or may not help you to work out if your life needs a readjustment or some consideration or where perhaps to start in considering it (please bear in mind I am not this fantastic zen being, anything but, but we all have to try & start somewhere to becoming whoever it is we want to be & what we want our lives to hold).

So firstly why have I been considering this?

1.  Realising that I let a number of things slide that ultimately make me incredibly uncomfortable, uneasy, unhappy and with it unwell; from actions people take/how they live their lives,  peoples behaviour, treating me like a doormat or a commodity, so on & so forth.

2.  That moment my age hit me incredibly hard around the face; in less than a month I turn the terrifying age of 31 & there are a number of things that I think need addressing, considering & re-evaluating prior to that point.

3.  Having someone I greatly respect & admire tell me how many times I apologise & say 'I'm sorry'.

4.  Ending up back in O/P treatment & spiralling with my mental health at a tremendous rate of knots.

5.  My utterly scrumptious, rapidly growing, developing, learning & just mind boggling 18 month old niece; do I want her thinking how I live at present is the way forward? That being timid & a pushover is worthwhile? Hell no. I want her to be proud of her auntie for being a number of things, none of which equate to weak or submissive or down trodden, that is not an example I want to set her.

6.  Questioning who I want to be & realising I am none of those things & looking at the people I most admire, love & just am flawed by on a pretty much daily basis and the reasons why they flaw me, whilst also considering those I have lost & wondering what the hell they would think of me now, of who I am, of how I lost core aspects of me & why I let it happen and then also considering what would I leave behind if I went to sleep tonight & didn't wake up? How would I be remembered? Would I be remembered? What do I want to leave behind me?

There are more but onwards & upwards for now . . .

So then what? Then came lists & spider diagrams & thought processes to answer the above (& those unlisted) & the outcome goes a little like this;

1.  Lies, being used, drink-driving, ignorance, arrogance, selfishness, self-entitled behaviour, being dismissed for something 'better', being asked to lie to others & for others, knowing you will always be the bottom of the heap for some people, being talked over/interrupted, people being disrespectful; to others, to me, to others property etc, childishness, when people are cruel, when people can't accept they are wrong, ending up as the butt of peoples jokes or the thing they get out & humiliate to make themselves feel better, really drunk women/women that curse worse than squaddies, idleness, broken promises, poor manners, when people don't take responsibility or don't know how to say I'm sorry, (there are more but now seems like a good stopping point).

2. What do I really want? What direction do I want my life to go in? Who do I want to be? How do I get better & really get better? What is genuinely & completely important to me & who? What would I like to achieve before I am 32? What am I running out of time for?

3.  How many times? For what reasons? For being me, for existing, for speaking, requiring assistance, taking up someones time, wanting to matter to someone, cancelling plans, making a cup of coffee that is not the exact colour of brown someone takes it in, having to use the toilet, for others mess/washing up/mannerisms, for not wanting to be drunk/get drunk/have an extra glass, for not remembering someones dogs 7th birthday if he was born a year earlier, not instantly texting someone back, for being tired, for not driving, for not wanting a date, for wanting a date, for reading a book, for not watching tv, for what I wear, for what matters to me, for my interests, for my eating habits, for not wanting to live with students, for needing a cuddle, for ending up in tears, for being hurt, for not being someone better, for being the size I am, for being my height, for walking, for the way I speak & my mannerisms, basically for being here.

Why? Why do I do that? How have I let people make me apologise ultimately for my very existence? It is not just an 'English thing'. How do I rectify that & why do I apologise for others? I am slightly tempted to actually tally how many times I apologise in a day & how many times I hear others do it.

4.  Yeah . . . this is a story for another time, but it's something I address daily, or try to in whatever ways necessary or within my capabilities (strength to fight myself) on any given day & at any given time & alas it is something that has required me to once more be in O/P treatment & under a team of people to keep me ticking along & 'safe', but in turn it is something that is greatly exacerbated or aided by life around me & those within it. You'd be amazed at just how much easier things can be, less scary, daunting, lonely with just a text message or a cuddle.

5.   At teeny tiny baby point she wouldn't have noticed a damn thing, other perhaps than the reality that 'Auntie Lulu' held her, adored her, made odd noises, changed her, that kind of thing, but now at 18 months old she is this amazing little ball of energy, of watching eyes, of repeated words & every bit of her I am utterly smitten with. I worry more perhaps about what she thinks of me then what my boss thinks of me, I want to be the auntie she not only loves but can admire, can learn from, cry to, trust & be proud of. I don't want her thinking I'm just her 'sick, weak, walked over' auntie Lulu, I want her to somehow learn from me that you can be interesting & interested without doing the same things as everyone else, that strong doesn't mean bullish, that you shouldn't be a commodity to anyone or let people stand all over you, to know that beauty & frivolity can mean spider hunting, eskimo kisses, turkey noises, cuddles & blowing fairies.

and 6.  This was the one that led to an insane amount of lists & similar & heaven help us, further questions, but I'll summarise where possible & of course do so with a semblance of categorisation.
So ... Who do I want to be?
Loving, interesting, with a degree of wit, abundantly more care free, successful (in whatever way I translate success to be), in control of my own head & mental health, fit & healthy, happy, reliable, wanted, loved, compassionate, always learning or thinking at least, strong, brave, competitive in the good variety, quirky, bohemian, loyal, trustworthy, worthwhile, compassionate, varied, a mummy (one day I really hope), creative, congruent, qualified (I still intend to get there with my qualifications), someone worth loving not using & numerous others, but mostly I want to be me & happy me, the best version of me.
How would I be remembered now if it all ended tonight? I'm not sure, nor do I really want to know, but in my head, with the way things have been, how far I am from who I want to me, I don't imagine I would be remembered for much, or at least not attributes I would want to be remembered for. I imagine these to be; weak, endlessly apologetic, a mess, unaccomplished, worthless, easily used, dismissible, unimportant, flawed, scarred, a disappointment. Those are not things I want to leave behind, I'd want people to have warm memories of me, good ones, funny ones & be able say that in whatever way I was true to me, I mattered & I left behind . . . x, y & z & that I would be missed.

So where does that leave me in taking stock? With a plethora of lists ultimately, perhaps the beginnings of an action plan, but a beginning none the less & one that can be extended, tweaked, & altered - because that's the funny thing about life, we can do that.  At this moment in time I intend to start small, start within my capabilities, not with things outside of my power - alas we have no control over others (wouldn't it be dull if we did) but we can all start somewhere when it comes to taking stock of our lives & what we value.

For me right now? That means finding ways to fall in love with life again, not with me, but with life, eventually it might seep into liking myself, try things, learn things, attempt things, fail at things (something I do not accept well) & build upon the values & essence that make up my core, my centre. What am I not okay with? Maybe those things need slowly addressing, what makes me happy? Where are my simple pleasures? Start small, indulge, create & see what happens. So finally I am back here; typing, writing, creating, doing something for me, because I enjoy it!

Slowly doing something with the lists & stock checks on my life.

How often do we stock check? How often should we?

Sunday, 8 May 2016

Current guilty pleasures.

As I am sitting here relishing the lack of excessive layers I thought I'd do a little glance at some of my current obsessions & guilty pleasures that feature almost daily. The little things that are a tad indulgent (or seemingly not but feel as though they are) & can always give my day a bit of a boost where necessary.

So what are they at this moment in time?

Maui & Sons Dark Chocolate coated Coconut chips; these things are utterly divine, feel incredibly naughty & are something I am slowly but surely launching at the unsuspecting people in my life.

Good books & reading; whether it's wind down time before bed, or with a really good coffee taking 5 minutes (longer if the book sucks me in) somewhere in the sun I love reading & rarely don't have a book on the go. At the moment I have 3 properly on the go & 2 (French ones) that I'm dipping into.

Gin; this is a big love of mine & made all the more indulgent since one of my locals developed a 'secret' gin bar within it's premises for Friday & Saturday nights, so far they are up to 34 different gins I think & they are so good. Spring Black Pepper is very much a favourite at the moment.

Doodles & Mandalas; I have a bit of a chronic doodling habit. I doodle constantly it would seem, there are always started, or finished doodles littering notebooks, sketchbooks, scraps of paper, the edge of letters written to others, but especially with the symmetry for mandalas it's quite a good mindfulness, shutting everything else off moment. We don't have enough of those in life.

Jalapeños; I cannot get enough of these fantastic little green beasts. Salads made will be covered in them, if a friend orders themselves nachos I will be stealing them, until they begin to notice that is.

Long walks with no end destination; I love walking & ultimately walk every day, some days more than others depending on mood, time frames & similar, but there is nothing I love more than the days you walk for absolute miles in the sun (or rain or cold, I don't mind) in the countryside with no timeframe planned or end location, you just walk, take a break somewhere & sit & read or similar & climb a tree before ultimately walking some more.

Matching undies; this is a long running obsession if I am entirely honest & one I think will long remain, but I adore matching lingerie, prettier the better & yes even if nobody but myself is going to see it or see me in it, I love knowing I always match. It's like the first thing you do, just for you, in the day. But it is almost compulsive in my tendency to buy items, you look for birthday gifts for others & somehow you have ordered another set of pretty, lace lingerie items.

Raw juices & smoothies; not exactly a pleasure or indulgence to find guilt within, but I love making or getting a good fresh, cold, raw juice or smoothie with any number of variations & differing contents especially if they have a bit of a kick behind them; think cayenne pepper & ginger. I also like to think it aids & undoes some of the damage of my coffee habit.

Braided or twisted crowns; I love twists & plaits/braids, there is something instantly feminine about them, that has never changed but I have definitely noticed that my tendency towards the crown style with twists or plaits has seen a massive surge. I think because it's surprisingly easy & keeps your hair very much out of the way it's become a bit of a go to, that & of course the always wearable topknot bun.

Flowers; or more naughty moments of indulging & buying them for myself & never exciting ones to be fair or huge bouquets, but cute bunches of gypsophila, or yellow tulips or (when I can find them) sunflowers. Give me 'happy' yellow blooms & cute fillers & I am a happy bunny.

Faux septum piercing; this one I love because it gives me the best of both worlds really, I have this theory that perhaps I am too old for another piercing, or more another piercing smack bang wallop in the middle of my face but I do love the septum piercings that are everywhere. Perhaps the everywhere is also why I am refusing to go through with it. But I love that with my faux septum cuffs I can literally have the best of both worlds, indulge in moments both with & without it depending upon mood, company, situation & more. There is something to be said for being able to dip your toes into both pools.

So there we are those are some of my current 'guilty' pleasures. There are others of course, but those are ones that are very much at the forefront of any indulgent moment. Do you ever have indulgences that verge on obsessions & become your pleasures for a chunk of time before perhaps being replaced? What are your current guilty pleasures?

Friday, 6 May 2016

ASOS Wish List.

Sometimes everyone needs a moment of wishing & of course wardrobe lusting. Friday is one such day of the week, so today it's a trip to ASOS & my regularly overstocked wish list! Granted it is in the hundreds so I am not going to share it all, but I will share a few pieces that I am greatly coveting.

ASOS Denim Premium Bow Jumpsuit;£50, ASOS Cami in Knitted Chiffon & Lace; £30, Vera Moda Printed Espadrille; £15.

Shae Red Textured Jumper; £58, Milk It Vintage Cropped Sweat with Ruffle Hem & Short Sleeves; £45, ASOS Festival Metal Cross Body Bag; £40, ASOS Chunky Boyfriend Cardigan in Wool Mix Yarn; £40.

Lost Ink Rally Grey Strappy Heeled Sandals; £42, ASOS Midi Skirt with Button Through in Self Stripe; £32, ASOS Jumper with Vintage Pointelle Look; £28.

See You Soon Top with Pockets in Brushed Check; £17, Rokoko Maxi Sheer Mesh Dress with Festival Floral Flocking; £40, ASOS Open Back Shirt in Pink Stripe; £36, Love Skater Dress in Tropical Print; £18. 

So these are a mere selection of the 600+ odd things I have dotted about all over my ASOS wish list, fairly varied mix, but I am fairly eclectic within myself. What would you be coveting from ASOS right now? 

Or coveting in general? I for one am coveting a bit of 'space' in my home again but also in regards in my head, maybe a holiday or just an escape for a few days & a good cuddle from proper man arms, those are always good especially as a way of welcoming in the weekend. 

Thursday, 5 May 2016

Reiki, raw juice & ducklings.

Something about 'caring for oneself' is often something that can be hard to do, or to justify finding time for but it is important, the reality is if you can't find the time to look after yourself how can
you expect to be able to have the full energy to give to others?

So today has been a good day for allowing myself a hint of the self care & mini indulgences prior to providing cover for a work shift.

So bar having utterly scrumptious 3 day old ducklings to cuddle & tend to (such fun for a giggle, as they are such clumsy little beings), then headed off to a wonderful, bohemian pixie I know to indulge in some reiki & aromatherapy massage.

For those who don't know what reiki is, it's a holistic treatment that is based on a Japanese technique for relaxing & can improve healing & is based on the concept of energy, energy flow & the power of energy transference with the use of touch. People react to it differently, on some levels that comes down to a persons own energy probably & how they are within themselves; I have a friend for instance who didn't react very well to it because of her own personal energy & empathy. Thankfully that was not the case for me.

And aromatherapy massage combines the powers of essential oils used in aromatherapy but combined with a carrier product (another oil, for instance apricot) becomes the massage oil in use. Now can I just say wow, it was the most incredible introduction into both for me, my 'pixie' in question combined the reiki with the aromatherapy massage & I literally cannot wait for my next session of longer length, which is in a weeks time.

For me a quiet brain or mind does not exist & is a highly elusive concept to me, one I can't manage to muster. Don't get me wrong I have tried & do try mindfulness when I can, but personally I think that in itself requires a degree of quiet, the key thing I battle with. So to have found I had the most eerily empty brain during this introduction was incredibly empowering, exciting & almost overwhelming uplighting, I left feeling invigorated & as though I finally got why making time for 'self care' was worthwhile, something to pursue & just 'be' in.

I really do think a bit of a mental boost can change things; I got a positive (hopefully) email . . . watch this space, I was motivated to study this evening, despite having had to cover a work shift unexpectedly & actually found studying was easier, BSL didn't seem as complicated & looking after myself didn't seem as frivolous, self indulgent or ridiculous. So I am all set for candles & a bath & the smoothie from my favourite raw cafe was very much enjoyed.

So the question today is, have you ever had holistic treatments? What do you do to take time for you & to apply 'self care' into your everyday life?

Wednesday, 4 May 2016

Hump Day; Loves, Loathes & Lust.

I do love a good excuse for list making & taking 'stock' of the week that has passed. It's rather cathartic, especially when having a less then perky moment, it can help remind you of the good bits of the week.

So this past week, when I am not using paper to doodle, what has made it onto my lists?


* Sunny days & the promise it brings; today for instance has been one of those days, proper sunshine, warm enough to carry a jacket & wear a cardi but not have to wear both, hell I even had bare legs without leggings (up to a point when the chill got to much & I was forced to make a mad dash to Primark to grab a pair of capri leggings to go under my dress). I am very much a sun lover, happier with a good dose of Vitamin D in my love, less 'het up' & love the promise of summer, long nights, pub gardens, festivals, weddings & more that comes with a good dose of proper British Spring weather.
* Learning, reading, studying & more; this may sound weird but I have a perpetually active brain & I'm not very good at letting it lie idle, on top of which, I love learning & have numerous things I want to either try to learn or learn & at the moment I've been doing that a lot at the moment. I have been plunging my nose into some fantastic books; fiction & non-fiction, I'm attempting (not always well) to learn BSL & French, along with course related subjects & generally am loving how active my brain has been this week.
* Good company & catch ups; I do love good company & a chance to catch up with people & adore the important people in my life. This week has felt like I've had some awesome catch ups with some fantastic people, a fair few gins thrown in there for good measure, deep often philosophical chats, light hearted moments, random word games, a large number of giggles, cuddles & just reminders that I have some fantastic people.
* Ducklings; I am in part a 'country bumpkin', I grew up surrounded by animals in various forms & have just hatched one of my favourites - ducklings, they are so lovely, are a fantastic 'chill out' distracting tool, & have funny little characteristics , when they leave (with my mother) I can't deny I will miss them, but not the mess they make!
* Creating plans; for the summer, for health, for activities, for studies & my brain, for a rough guide for the year, for creative endeavours, for this space here. Just lately I've been formulating a lot of ideas (often out of nowhere & weirdly random), there are many a bit of paper with scribbles on them dotted around my house, room, handbag, but it is all good & boosting & like a fantastic motivator. This year is speeding past & I have things I want in it.
* More motivation; this is a bit like my creating plans point but also is more about me on the inside. I've definitely felt a bit of a shift in motivation within me for projects, for changes that may need to occur, for looking at the negatives & where they come from & how to rectify that, for being more of who I want to be, putting more of that out that & feeling able to live a fully congruent life & presentation of that life. Definitely feeling like a good place to be in part. I know the changes I want, now to put cogs in motion.
* Pastel mint nails; tragic but true, small things, but we all need them. I love pastels on nails & have found a new love (cheap/budget one, even better) for a stunning mint pastel green nail polish from Seventeen, fingers look slimmer & more tanned & that reminds me that summer is well on it's way.
* Gin; what's not to love? My favourite local now (for the last 5 weeks) has developed a 'secret' (in that it is only open on a Friday & Saturday night & hidden the rest of the time) gin bar & as a gin lover it is incredible. So far 34 different gins & ever expanding & I am collecting new favourites all too regularly. Sometimes nothing hits the spot with friends better then a cold G & T.


* Getting a blister on the bottom of your foot; I have NO idea how this occurred or why but I randomly 2 days ago managed to get a blister on the bottom of my left foot & it's an absolute nightmare, sore & alas it is not as simple as avoid the shoes with the straps that rub because ultimately it will always be in contact with shoes & the floor & my own body weight. Cannot wait for it to heal & bugger off.
* Confusions & irritations; especially a loathing factor when I am gaining a little more 'that's not what I want/who I want to be/...' internally. There are certain areas of life at the moment are confusing & often driving me mad, from people & their actions, intentions or more, to bitching & gossip that feels ludicrous & unnecessary, to blame games, or buck passing, or crossed wires or hearing things you don't need to hear. It just feels unnecessary & like such a waste of time & is yes frustrating.
* Odd mood moments; you know those days or random hours where you have gone from sky high to instantly having a face like thunder & finding you have to warn those around you to ultimately approach with caution. Or you go from smiles to being on the verge of tears. I am entirely blaming hormones at the moment but it's definitely weird to find you get thrown off kilter by wondering what the hell is going on with your mood from one hour to the next.
* Tetchy technology; from computers that decide to crash, or just glitch on you, to a ludicrously temperamental washing machine which I am currently battling, so the time that should be 3 loads of washing is currently 1 as there are extra rinses & similar. Technology fantastic lets be honest but sometimes . . . not so much.


* A proper girls holiday; who doesn't ever fancy a good sun break? I am itching to get away, if I was offered a holiday tomorrow (magically paid for) I would take it in a second & there are definitely a few people that would be top of my 'best girls holiday' company list. All different but yet so the same there would be nothing but the best time. Sun, activities, cocktails, giggles, aw bliss. Yes please. A friend & I briefly discussed that today actually. Anyone fancy putting me in their suitcase?
* For my parents to finally move out; So I turned 30 in November & moved house in September (sofa surfed until December) & then due to renovations & rebuilds on their house my mother, stepfather & various 4 legged beasties all moved in with me. 5 months later, nearing 6 months it's fair to say I'm over it & good for them to move out now. So I can go back to my own space, just 'being' & more being an adult again, because don't get me wrong I adore my family, all of them, but I miss space & oddly I miss that we (ma & I) no longer have 'girls nights' with a family friend, where we get together at a house or pub of choice, drink a few too many glasses of wine & giggle & behave badly & often share too much. We still do but not in the same way & let's be honest being 30 & living with your parents again makes the dating world a little more complex. Then I'll have 2 it weeks of space before I get housemates again.
* Time to go a little slower; where is this year going? My niece has just turned 1, I have no idea how that happened, where did my dinky little worm go to? I will be 31 in November & wanted to tick off certain things in between 30 & 31. It does feel like as you age time dashes out of the door & I don't mind if the next few weeks go rapidly (I want proper summer) but I want the summer to be long, ambling & not a blink.

So although usually there are more things on my coveting list (aren't there always) & shopping wish lists, this feels waffling & long.

What would you have on your hump day lists this week?

Pictures used are mine, please don't take them without contacting me first & crediting me in what you use them for.

Tuesday, 3 May 2016

Dangers of The Green Eyed Monster.

Human nature means that as a species we are a little flawed & sometimes for no reason things can piss you off or upset you with very little warning, but I often think that one of the worst traits & at times most dangerous is our fantastic abilities for jealousy. 

I have no doubts it has potential to in some occasions provide positives; fuel things, add motivation & perhaps even at times add clarity but it can also do anything but & be fantastically destructive & that is what I have randomly been thinking about lately. 

With the fantastic world of technology & social media we do live quite a transparent life & with that it is definitely easier to lust after things & find that your morning ritual of coffee, cigarette & Instagram scrolling has led to your day beginning with just a hint of the green. Let's be honest who didn't see Coachella pictures & find they were wishing they were part of it, or seen figures that they are envious of (I know I'd regularly like some extra inches in height) but what about closer to home? The people who you actually know, have contact with & are, in one way, shape or form, part of your daily life? Where does the green fit in there & potentially impact?

I know that I personally very much am guilty of at times finding jealousy & weird pangs of longing crop up into my life & if not careful I cannot deny that I have at times resented certain people for their seemingly idyllic lives & how everything appears 'gifted' to them. This is probably far from the reality but don't we all have those moments & I think it's dangerous, or has the potential to be. 

What good can come from allowing resentment & with it a weird complacency for your own life into your energy? 

Yes another engagement has occurred, you have weddings to attend when your invite included no plus one option, people have better skin, or jobs, get the kisses at bedtime or laugh more freely - in your perspective. There is another baby scan picture somewhere on one of your social media based connections & oh how lovely, someones new boyfriend has surprised them with yet more flowers & suddenly your brain is pissed at them, or deeply saddened, or you don't see the point. I'm just not sure that can be all that healthy. I get lusting after fantastic dress sense, an incredibly ability with make up, holidays that look just fantastic & I am all for having a hint of the green in your life for the incredible talents people have, as long as you can still appreciate their talents & hard work within what they do. 

It's the risk of utter despondency that I think the green monster can lead to that worries me, what do you do with it? How do you prevent it from being the dangerous thing it has the potential to be? 

I have a theory, my own mind you, purely in relation to my life, my longings if you will, the things I know I covet in a harmless way & the things I let eat me. Basically it comes down to one thing, changing the resentment or weird heartbreak for what others have & making a conscious effort to go from complacency to motivation. That's it. 

I'm 30, which in itself has been known (since it occurred) to make me slightly panic & find myself wondering what the hell am I doing, or not doing as the case may be & I said that in whatever way 30 would be a good age year, for lessons to learn or similar & I do think bits of my brain have shifted. I definitely find myself asking "do I resent them just because I am jealous?" or "do I resent them because of who they are?" That last sentence I have been asking myself a lot & I find lately it's because I'm more aware of the negatives I've allowed in & of being taken for a ride or almost as a useful commodity, useful when they want me that is, but otherwise not. But the concept of the negatives in our lives, or in mine, is for an entirely different post. 

With questions like that aside I very much have little desire to become a breeding ground for vibes that attract more of the same & less of the good, that includes jealousy & my approach to it. I'm not magically never going to be jealous or at times have yearnings & resentments but I can do something with it, that is in my power. So instead of complacency then damn well do something with it. If you want to have more adventures, maybe start small, do things that scare you, or save up & go to that random festival in Europe. Apply for jobs you want but might not get, get hobbies, become more of the person that you eventually want to be, in whatever way you can in this point begin to do it.

I have a friend who is a firm believer in putting vibes of what you want out into the world & the cosmos & in some way or another the world can return things, if they are the right things & so perhaps she may have a little bit of a good idea with that; so why just absorb & allow the negative sides of jealousy to come in & swamp you? Maybe just maybe be cautious, be mindful & use it to ask yourself the question of why? 

So under the heading of dive in balls deep I have a list of negatives to address, changes to make & that is very much spurred on by frequent visits from that little green eyed monster we have all come to know. 

How do you deal with jealousy & envy? Do you experience it? Not just from the lust worthy pictures on Instagram or similar, but the 'real' people in your every day.   

Sunday, 10 January 2016

2016; time for changes?

Throwback snapshot to summer, when life was warmer & a little more frivolous.

2016 - another year launches itself at us in a less than delicate manner, I have no idea where the time is flying by to, but it appears to have little desire to hang around, mores the pity! I didn't want to return here after a rather heinous hiatus (low moods, sofa surfing for nearly 70 days, panicking over becoming 30, a brand new niece, 2 jobs . . .) in a cliche BOOM new year, new me, new blog dedication manner because that is not me & it felt like I was setting myself up to fail, on top of which, who really has the brain capacity (or hydration) on 1st January to sit down, create lists & actively pursue whatever they want that year ahead to hold? I for one did not. Instead I wanted to genuinely consider what I wanted & more how. That brings me to this entry & this blogging space once more. 

The reality is new years apparently mean change, rarely do people keep to that but sometimes changes are good & are kept to & I knew I gave the motivators & aims for this year a lot of thought because I've just recently turned 30, an age that scared (& scares) the shit out of me, but that makes me think "bollocks to it!' This year, this year of 30, it's going to be a good year, it has to be & I want to make it so. But the question is how? That is what my aims & dare I say it resolutions are based around (naturally, categorised, in lists, colour coded & often with sub headings) & they all came about with a cup of coffee, a cigarette & whilst sitting cross legged in a field answering these questions:

What do I want? 
Who do I want to be?
How do I want to end the year?
What's actually important to me?

The brief answers to those questions are; 

I want to learn constantly; to never waste my brain, to change & embrace the changes. To be braver in me & in what matters to me. I want to laugh & mean it, make mistakes, fall in lust & in love & in lust & love again. I want be frivolous; play pooh sticks, ride a unicycle, wear dark lipstick shades because I like them & have that one glass of gin too many. 
I want to make those I love proud of me & in turn be proud of myself. I want to make 30, the year of being 30, a year to always remember, make it a good year, with good people, with extra tattoos & kisses in the rain. 

I want to be a person I can be proud of, that's the person I want to create. One who does what she loves, does things for herself, not always for others or to please others but because it makes her happy. Who doesn't cut her hair because others tell her to, or doesn't wear something she loves because someone else doesn't like it. I want to keep the people that matter, that are good for me, that actually love me & move on from the hurt & the realities of the people that don't. 

A person that is happy to be the demented bohemian she is. To follow passions & have debates, to create pointless doodles & artistic mess because it makes her happy, I want to finally work towards the qualifications I want to achieve & learn languages & not let others judgements unnerve & rattle me so easily. Because the reality is those who love me, are meant to love me, or be in my life won't want to unnerve or make me doubt myself.

For the end the year of 2016 to be one I can look back on with a smile, an abundance of memories, lessons learnt, mistakes made (& possibly enjoyed making), too many pairs of matching undies bought & guilty pleasures indulged in. For it to be a year that ends & I'm sad it's ending but also thrilled to have had. That is how I want 2016 to end. 

And the question of what's important to me? Lots of things, things yet to be discovered, things hidden or dormant, but things others will consider not important, but that is in their lives, not mine. Important to me right now? Making a me I'm proud of, the one I want to be, am meant to be, & creating a year filled with finding that person, indulging in her & learning constantly about what makes her tick & where her place is, because maybe the year you turn 30 is a good year to do that.
A good year to find your place.